haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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