The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
