Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
