do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
