i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
