I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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