My first STD was from a foam party
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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