i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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