Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
