cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
