Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
