Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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