i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
