Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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