I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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