He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i out mim tonsoeep
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