We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We have started to decorate penises.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
