Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
