I faked an abortion last night.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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