Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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