So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
