you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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