I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
