Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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