he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize