I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
