Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
