I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
