Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize