i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
