I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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