Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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