he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
