final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
