I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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