I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
