last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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