she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you would pick up someone in the library
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
