i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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