dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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