I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
