you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just had sex on a roof
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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