if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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