I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
