Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
