He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
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