Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
