If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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