Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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