i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dear god my vagina.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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