I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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