Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
