There is no way he is gay with that hair.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
