She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
