My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
