Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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