Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
