Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
