Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize