So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
