I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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